Do you remember when you were a kid? Were you scared of the dark? Needed a nightlight to chase away the monsters in the shadows? Did you try hiding under the bed covers to hide from the creatures in the closet? Eventually, you grow out of it. You know the monsters aren’t real and you’re versed enough to navigate your room when you can’t see.
If I’m being honest, I’ve been scared of the dark lately. Scared of laying in bed in the black and the quiet. Alone. Because, the real monsters aren’t physical. They aren’t hiding in the closet or crawling under the bed. They’re not going to leap out and harm you or take your life while you sleep. No. The real monsters invade the mind. They keep you lying awake at night with scenarios and fears that probably won’t come true. They turn molehill problems into mountains you don’t think you can face. The real monsters in the dark get you when you’re alone and turn your thoughts against you. They steal your sleep and your peace.
I’m guilty of avoiding what’s bothering me. Avoiding what I don’t want to face. My weekends are when these monsters show up the strongest. I have a physically exhausting job, so it helps me fall asleep before the monsters come out, but when I’m not working, it’s harder to sleep. I’m the type of person who will lie in bed for 30 minutes to an hour before I’m finally able to fall asleep. That’s plenty of time for the monster to come creeping. So, I distract myself. I stay up late watching tv shows or movies. Write fanfiction roleplay with friends or play a video game all to avoid laying in bed in the dark, tossing and turning as I try to fight the fears and scenarios that creep into my head. Maybe I do go to bed to try and fall asleep, but then I pull out my computer to write this here post.
I hate the Dark. You always see it in movies and shows. The villain breaks down the hero. Tells them their worst fears that the audience knows to be lies and yet, the hero believes those lies. The hero falls right into Darkness’s trap and they turn to anger or depression. They’re so seized by fear that you in the audience just want to smack some sense into them. Tell them the truth. You will for them to remember who they are and what they’re fighting for. You want to scream that their role matters.
Darkness is so easy to recognize in the movies. I bet you can recall a few times you thought the hero was stupid for falling to its lies. So, how come its harder to face in real life? Is it because its actually happening to you and not some character on the screen? Is it because the situation is different? What was difficult for that character may not seem so difficult to you and yet what you’re facing is too much? Is it because we try to go it alone? Hide our fears from the world by telling everyone: “I’m fine.” Then you start lying to yourself. “Oh, my problems aren’t that big compared to that other person. I shouldn’t complain. I’m dumb for being unable to handle this. I shouldn’t let anyone know I’m not strong enough.”
That’s the trap, isn’t it? Darkness gets you alone. Tells you, you shouldn’t bother others with your problems. You’re being stupid for making mountains out of molehills. Others will just scoff at you. Once it has you alone, unable to speak your fears to others, it turns your little molehills into mountains:
“Oh, that bump you feel under your skin could be cancer.”
“Remember that mistake you made at work? That’ll get you fired. Or that comment you made to your friend. That was mean. They must hate you now.”
“You don’t know how to properly query. All your hard work will be for nothing.”
“You think you can make it on dreams? You have no money, so you have no future.”
If that doesn’t get you, Darkness will bombard you with “what if” scenarios. What if you have cancer? What will you do? How will you pay for it? What if you totally botch that interview? What if your house catches fire while you’re asleep? What if you lose everything? What if you end up in a car crash? What will you do if this person suddenly disappeared from your life? What if you’re rejected by everyone?
Suddenly, you’re drowning in fear. Can’t sleep. Probably crying in bed. You don’t want to bother anyone since its late. You don’t want to call for help, so you remain stuck. Trying to fight this Darkness on your own.
It’s so depressing.
Usually, I’m able to distract my mind enough to ward off Darkness’s monsters. I’ll think of a scene in a fanfiction (not one of my original stories because then I just end up writing down ideas or writing in general), and I’ll expand on the possibilities of that scene until I don’t even realize I fell asleep. It works well enough, but I remember a night where Darkness got the best of me. It whispered enough scenarios into my mind that I was crying in bed. Sitting up. Hugging my cat. I was scared and I knew I was scared over something that was minor. I needed sleep, so I couldn’t distract myself with a movie or show, but I didn’t want to lie down and take another assault from the monsters in my mind. I needed to fight back, but I didn’t know if I had the strength.
Thankfully, there are tools to help. I ended up going to the Pandora music app on my phone. Turned it on the lowest volume and just listened to music. I chose Christian music because I needed heavenly help. I set my phone next to me and laid in bed with my eyes closed. All I did was listen to the music. With my focus on the music, the Darkness, the monsters, the fears, they all faded away. I don’t remember how many songs I listened too. I don’t even remember shutting the music off, but it helped me get through the night without being scared of the Dark.
Whatever Darkness that you’re facing. Whatever fears linger at the edge of your mind, I hope you know you’re not alone. You can reach out for help. Whether heavenly help, like I had needed, or help from a friend. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to be afraid of the Dark, but you don’t have to stay there.
nikki diekemper 