Have you ever been so tired, you can’t sleep? You’re physically exhausted. Can’t stand to raise your arms or even walk and yet your mind–though dull–won’t let you enjoy the softness of your pillow?
I’m at that point currently. It’s nowhere near midnight on a day that isn’t the day this post posted. I tried sleeping, but my mind won’t shut up. It’s frustrating. All I want to do is sleep and yet my mind wants to review all the things that got to me today. Stress from work and a guest blowing up at me for telling her she’s on a vehicles only road. She must have been having a really bad day.
Another thing about being this tired is that you think about things you don’t normally think about. Maybe it’s something embarrassing you did several years ago. Or you question a decision you made that day and you wonder if people are going to look down on you for it. Maybe you realize something you said was stupid. It’s taxing when one of your flaws is that you’re a people pleaser.
Well, it’s closer to midnight. I’ve been sitting here, staring at the screen, and looking around my room as my brain ping-pongs different topics I could talk about. I’d probably start rambling. I’m so tired…
Looking around my room–it’s not a bad room. My desk stares at the current canvas on my easel and the paintings I’ve done on the wall. One of the paintings (I guess you could call it a painting. It has charcoal and ink and a little bit of paint), is one I’ve shared on this website before. It’s a simple painting with black smudges, chains, and words.
Most of the words are ones that I would kill if I could:
Senseless, coward, purposeless, ignored, useless, worthless, fool, selfish, defeated, unwanted, broken, impure, gross, pathetic, stupid, flawed, forgotten, and surd.
They’re all words that bring you down. We’ve all thought of them at some point. They come at your core. Demean you by any means necessary. To the people pleasers, they are relentless. They tell you all the time that nobody likes you. You’re a mistake, a hypocrite, or you do everything wrong. They downright suck.
Yet, in the midst of all those chains and darkness, there is a light that stands out. A single word that shines bright with an unbreakable barrier surrounding it.
You may feel useless, defeated, or any of those other things, but you will always be loved. Even if you had a really bad day at the zoo and you yelled at a zookeeper who wasn’t expecting it.
This isn’t how I thought this post would go. I just started typing and here’s where we ended up. I wonder what other things my mind will torture me with while I’m just trying to get some sleep. Matter of fact, there’s this bundle of bubble wrap atop my art cabinet. I can’t remember what’s inside it.
Answer: It’s a pokemon statue (dragonite) that I totally forgot I was going to paint. It will live on my desk until that happens. I have so much I want to paint…
Hey, look at that. It’s almost midnight. I’m starting to yawn again, so I should probably hit the hay. If I continue to be unable to sleep, perhaps I’ll get more webposts typed up. I hope you, at least, find some amusement in this one.
Night y’all.
nikki diekemper 