Wow. I’m Dumb.

Have you ever had a moment where you realize something and feel incredibly dumb for not realizing it sooner than you did? Whether it’s solving a puzzle, a riddle, or something that perplexed you? Well, I’d like to get real with you, because for me, there’s a special skill in the world that takes me a hot minute to recognize. Once I finally do, it makes me feel like the dumbest person in the world.

As a kid, I played a lot of Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time. I enjoyed journeying with Link, the protagonist, around Hyrule and watching him swing his sword as I pushed the buttons. I knew how he wielded his weapons and performed his attacks. He always wore his sword and shield on his back and carried his sword in his left hand.

Occasionally, my brother and I would make our own sword and shield out of cardboard and I distinctly remember trying to mimic Link by holding the weapons the same way he does: sword in the left and shield in the right. However, it felt very wrong and that confused me. I remember thinking that the sword in the left hand is how Link does it, so that must be right. The game makers would’ve studied swordplay to have Link’s movements be correct. Yet, I felt better carrying my sword in my right hand. It didn’t make sense to me.

Fast forward to when Twilight Princess came out on the Wii and it finally occurred to me that Link was left-handed.

And, now, my most recent blunder has been watching my favorite swordsman on the anime One Piece. He always carries his swords on his right side and it partly made sense to me since he always pops one of the swords out of its sheath with his right thumb, but there was a disconnect in my mind on how he fully draws the blade.

Laying in bed several months later, it finally clicks that the swordsman wears his swords on his right side because he’s left-handed.

I believe the statistic is that there’s more right-handed people in the world than left-handed people. So, I’m glad that the creators of these characters I love so dearly have this subtle trait to them. However, I have to laugh at the fact that this trait of theirs makes me feel very dumb.

I am a right side dominant person. My right hand is dominant, my right leg is dominant, my right eye is dominant, and I am right brain dominant as well. So, it’s hard for me to fathom doing something with my left side. Kicking a ball with my left won’t be as good as with my right. If I try to look through a telescope, I’ll likely smack my left eye with it first when I wouldn’t smack my right. Trying to write with my left hand causes my brain to scream nineties computer dialup tones. I won’t brace a vegetable I try to chop with my left hand because I don’t want to risk harming myself. Even punching in numbers on a keypad with my left hand feels like I’m trying to do rocket science.

As proven, it takes a hot minute for me to recognize a character as left-handed when they appear in my favorite games and shows. I try to rationalize how they do what they do as if they’re right-handed before the obvious answer finally clicks. I have a coworker who’s left-handed and I’ve caught myself watching them do things with their left hand like they’re performing some sort of sorcery. It’s genuinely fascinating and I am kind of jealous. I do wish my left hand was more talented, but the simple uniqueness makes me smile.

I’m right side dominant. There are people out there who are left side dominant. Then there are people who are a bit of both. It’s incredible. Something that makes my brain scream nineties computer dialup noises is like second nature to someone else. It makes me appreciate all the little differences between people even more. We’re all human beings, but we’re not all same.

I will probably continue to blunder in recognizing left-handed people and characters, but I’m hoping the time it takes me to realize it shortens every time. It’s incredible how something so simple can make you feel like a dumb, terrible person. So, what are some things that make you pause and say “Wow. I’m dumb?”

Measure of Too Much

How much is too much? When it comes to effort? Is it when you’re exhausted at the end of the day? Find yourself on the floor with no will to move?

How much is too much? When you give and give. All the effort for scratches and bruises and cracks?

You do what you can. You do it at your best. Then, your time, your dreams are all used to rest.

You find yourself wondering when you’re put to the test. Will your effort hold out when conflict’s at it’s best?

Nerves get frayed. Exhaustion’s great trap. Hold to it too long and it causes you to snap.

How much is too much? Is it when you question everything? Wonder if you’re okay? Or if everything is slipping?

You hold onto hope. Tell yourself nothing’s wrong. You face the horizon. Say it’ll get better. It won’t be long.

You crack a joke so no one knows that you’re breaking. Say you’re waiting for rock bottom. That’s one thing you can believe in.

Down at rock bottom, there’s only one way to go. You try to hold out. It’s all that you know.

When the waters get darker and fear creeps in. You remind yourself to look up. Find the light again.

But how much is too much? When the pressure starts quaking? All effort gets spent. You’re always shaking.

At the end of it all, you can’t see the future. So you keep holding out, believing it’ll get better.

Question the Dream

Daily writing prompt
When you were five, what did you want to be when you grew up?
View all responses

When I was little, I always said I would be a veterinarian, and in my mind, I would be the greatest veterinarian in the world. I’d be able to heal any animal. I even remember making a sign for my bedroom door that said “Animal Love Vet Place” and I would take care of my and my brother’s stuffed animals that were sick. All through school, that’s what I thought I would be, but things change.

When you’re little and people find out that you love animals enough to want to work with them, they’re first thought is “oh, so you’re going to become a veterinarian?” Because that’s the first job people think of when they think of working with animals. No one tells you of other jobs you can do. They keep suggesting veterinarian because it’s a good, well paying job to have that does a lot of good for animals, and you end up getting funneled onto this path.

So, all through high school and all through college, I followed the veterinarian path. I got into the programs, and made it my degree. Yet, my last two years of college, I started questioning the path. I found myself avoiding the topic of going to vet school. When it came to my classes, I was going through the motions. Yes. I want to learn about animals. I love anatomy and physiology, but the thought of being in a lab or a clinic wasn’t appealing. I wasn’t invested in what it would take to become a veterinarian. I found myself wanting to do other things instead.

My last semester of college, I finally made the decision to not become a veterinarian. Some people I told took it better than others, but it was a big relief to me. There were several factors that went into the decision, but the biggest one was that I didn’t want animals to be afraid of me. No animal likes going to the vet. When the vet walks into the room, they hide or try to get away. Veterinarians do so much good for animals, but the animals don’t realize it. I don’t think I have the strength to constantly be scary to animals.

I graduated with a pre-vet degree and went back home to pursue a new dream. One that I knew I wanted. I’m a zookeeper. I work with exotic animals every day of my work week. I get to earn their trust, improve their habitats, and learn their behaviors. I still get to take part in medical procedures whether it’s helping with voluntary vaccines in our cats or training for voluntary ultrasounds in our primates. I get to watch our animals be afraid of our veterinarians, but be more forgiving to me and my fellow keepers. It’s a demanding job, but it’s a lot more rewarding to me.

My dream when I little ended up not being the dream that I wanted. So, I hope this is an encouragement to everyone to question your own dream. Why are you following it? Is it something you enjoy doing? Are you really invested in it? Or, are you doing it because it’s expected of you? Ask yourself the deep questions and if you find yourself hesitating, ask yourself why. Why are you pursuing this dream? You may find the answer surprising and you may find yourself moving toward a more enjoyable path like I did.

It’s great to have dreams, but make sure your dreams are what you really want.

Do What You Can

One of my favorite things to do to escape the world is to watch One Piece. It’s a goofy anime about pirates that follow their dreams. Although it’s a cartoon, it does hit a lot of heavy topics: racism, corruption, defiled morals, so and so forth.

In the Alabasta arc where the pirates are trying to take back a kingdom for their friend, the pirate who’s been on the crew the longest and the newest recruit have a conversation about their crazy crew. The new recruit is trying to understand how the crew works because everyone on it has their own agenda. One wants to be king of the pirates, one wants to be the world’s greatest swordsman, another wants to draw a map of the world. Each member of the crew has their own dream. The veteran crew member ends up giving his definition of teamwork and ends up saying this line:

“You do what you can, the best that you can and then you turn to the others and expect the same from them.”

~Roronoa Zoro

Even though everyone on the crew has their own agenda, they do what they can to make their crew work and help each other follow their dreams. Each person on the crew has their own skill set: a navigator, doctor, swordsman, sniper, cook, etc. and by excelling in their own individual skills, they’re able to help their crew as a whole.

I’ll admit, I paused the show when I heard this quote said. It felt like relief. Sometimes life can get heavy, you know? It can feel like there’s too much going on and you don’t know if you can keep up or complete your tasks. You start feeling like a failure, like you’re not good enough. However, all you can do is the best that you can. I’ve been trying my best at a lot of work things. It gets exhausting and there are days when I wonder if my best is enough. In the end, it doesn’t matter. My best is all I can give. As long as I keep doing that, I can walk away with no regret.

Featured Image taken from actual episode of One Piece where quote is said.

I’m Not a Thief

I like pirates.

I like the freedom of adventure.

Of not caring what others think.

I like pirates.

But I’m not a thief.

I like playing the pickpocket.

Of testing the video game to see if I get caught.

Sneaking around as a cat burglar assassin.

I like playing the pickpocket.

But I’m not a thief.

I like sneaking up on people.

Being so quiet they don’t hear me.

And, they startle when they turn around.

I like sneaking up on people.

But I’m not a thief.

I like characters with honor.

I try to model after them.

Integrity intact.

So, I’m not a thief.

I like writing stories.

Of characters with nothing.

They do what it takes to survive.

But I’m not a thief.

So what do you do?

When a thief in your midst

Steals the honor of your crew

That’s what others see when they look at you.

Nothing but a thief.

It’s All a Mess

It’s all a mess
It might get worse
I’m starting to wonder if we’re under a curse

She’s mad at him
He’s frustrated with her
Then there’s the one seeing life through a blur

This one’s on their phone
Pretending nothing’s happened
And the daydreamer’s thinking hope is back in

One little frustration
And more pop up
They keep piling and piling until we all erupt

That person’s overworked
This one doesn’t work hard enough
And no one gets answers, so we’re all kind of stuck.

And when the unexpected happens
Again and again
No one looks forward to what’s around the bend

So what do you do when there’s no end in sight?
No land on the horizon?
No hope to help you sleep at night?

Some will jump ship.
Find their own way
But for those who can’t
They sail day by day.

All you can do
is keep doing your best
This is life, as we know,
It puts you to the test

You’ll get put through the ringer
Get buried in the sand
But, hey, at least you’ve found land.

All you can do on some of the days
Is find the small victories
A reason to say “hooray!”

And despite him and her
and the dreamer over there
There’s a reason to believe things will get better
Hope is all we have to spare.

And maybe, in the end
You’ll look back at the mess
And see a mosaic
And have no regrets

The Derailing of an Exhausted Mind

Have you ever been so tired, you can’t sleep? You’re physically exhausted. Can’t stand to raise your arms or even walk and yet your mind–though dull–won’t let you enjoy the softness of your pillow?

I’m at that point currently. It’s nowhere near midnight on a day that isn’t the day this post posted. I tried sleeping, but my mind won’t shut up. It’s frustrating. All I want to do is sleep and yet my mind wants to review all the things that got to me today. Stress from work and a guest blowing up at me for telling her she’s on a vehicles only road. She must have been having a really bad day.

Another thing about being this tired is that you think about things you don’t normally think about. Maybe it’s something embarrassing you did several years ago. Or you question a decision you made that day and you wonder if people are going to look down on you for it. Maybe you realize something you said was stupid. It’s taxing when one of your flaws is that you’re a people pleaser.

Well, it’s closer to midnight. I’ve been sitting here, staring at the screen, and looking around my room as my brain ping-pongs different topics I could talk about. I’d probably start rambling. I’m so tired…

Looking around my room–it’s not a bad room. My desk stares at the current canvas on my easel and the paintings I’ve done on the wall. One of the paintings (I guess you could call it a painting. It has charcoal and ink and a little bit of paint), is one I’ve shared on this website before. It’s a simple painting with black smudges, chains, and words.

Most of the words are ones that I would kill if I could:

Senseless, coward, purposeless, ignored, useless, worthless, fool, selfish, defeated, unwanted, broken, impure, gross, pathetic, stupid, flawed, forgotten, and surd.

They’re all words that bring you down. We’ve all thought of them at some point. They come at your core. Demean you by any means necessary. To the people pleasers, they are relentless. They tell you all the time that nobody likes you. You’re a mistake, a hypocrite, or you do everything wrong. They downright suck.

Yet, in the midst of all those chains and darkness, there is a light that stands out. A single word that shines bright with an unbreakable barrier surrounding it.

You may feel useless, defeated, or any of those other things, but you will always be loved. Even if you had a really bad day at the zoo and you yelled at a zookeeper who wasn’t expecting it.

This isn’t how I thought this post would go. I just started typing and here’s where we ended up. I wonder what other things my mind will torture me with while I’m just trying to get some sleep. Matter of fact, there’s this bundle of bubble wrap atop my art cabinet. I can’t remember what’s inside it.

Answer: It’s a pokemon statue (dragonite) that I totally forgot I was going to paint. It will live on my desk until that happens. I have so much I want to paint…

Hey, look at that. It’s almost midnight. I’m starting to yawn again, so I should probably hit the hay. If I continue to be unable to sleep, perhaps I’ll get more webposts typed up. I hope you, at least, find some amusement in this one.

Night y’all.

I’ll Rise

I want to scream
I want to cry
I don’t want to die
I’ll get stronger
This won’t break me
Perhaps it’ll make me
I’m not a quitter
I just need to rest
A moment to catch my breath
Then I’ll get back up
Maybe cry some more
But my tears I’ll leave on the floor
I’m not done
I won’t forfeit
I’ll make it through, I know it
Take one day
Then one more
Keep going until I soar
I’ll be okay
I just need a moment
To sit and weep and be spent
Then I’ll rise
Like I did before
I’ll show you I’m not done for

Definition of Friendship

How would you define friendship? The dictionary says its a relationship between friends, the emotions or conduct of friends, a state of being friends. It even says its a state of mutual trust and support between nations and allies.

So, if friendship is the relationship between friends, then what’s a friend? Google dictionary says its someone whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection.

That’s the dictionary, but I find that people have their own definition of friends and friendship.

Some people consider everyone their meet their friend. For others, it takes a long time to consider someone a friend. As a kid, we’re asked by our parents if we made a new friend today. It’s important. We’re social beings, we need friends as much as some of us don’t want to admit it. When I was a kid, adults made it sound like everyone in your class is your friend. Some of them are just closer friends than others. So, I got into the mindset that everyone I met was my friend, and that’s not true.

In the world we live in these days, friends can be hard to come by. It can be hard to trust someone’s intentions. Whether you have someone’s support or whether they’re waiting to stab you in the back. You can meet someone, make a friend, but then life gets busy. You and your friend don’t talk anymore and you start to wonder if you’re even still friends. Perhaps your lives are just too different for you to be friends.

My favorite types of tv shows and movies are the ones between friends. The kinds where two best friends can yell and scream at each other for stupid things, but the next scene they’re back to supporting each other. Getting excited over little things. Having inside jokes. Teasing each other, but it when it comes down to it, they have each others backs.

Whatever your definition of friendship, I hope you find the kind of friendship in the tv shows. Friendship to cherish. Friendship to trust. Because, no one deserves to be alone.

A Day of Adventure

Daily writing prompt
If you could be someone else for a day, who would you be, and why?
View all responses

If I could be anyone else for a day, I’d be one of the horse-riding non-playable characters (NPC) in Legend of Zelda Tears of the Kingdom (TotK) Now, maybe this writing prompt wants me to pick someone real, but I don’t want to live someone else’s life. What if they have a huge test that day? Or a concert? An important meeting? I’m not going to be the one to ruin someone else’s life in a day.

I would pick one of the horse-riding NPCs in TotK because I think it would be so cool to just be you and your horse. You and your horse traveling and exploring a beautiful land. You come across the occasional traveler, trade goods, swap rumors and news, and move on. You may have to defend yourself from monsters or just run away from them. You and your horse take shelter when it rains and race the open meadow on bright, sunny days. You and your horse.

A horse-riding NPC isn’t the hero of the story. They’re not burdened with saving the land. There’s no pressure on them but to exist, travel, and meet curious people. If I could be anyone for a day. It would be a freely roaming horse rider.