It’s All a Mess

It’s all a mess
It might get worse
I’m starting to wonder if we’re under a curse

She’s mad at him
He’s frustrated with her
Then there’s the one seeing life through a blur

This one’s on their phone
Pretending nothing’s happened
And the daydreamer’s thinking hope is back in

One little frustration
And more pop up
They keep piling and piling until we all erupt

That person’s overworked
This one doesn’t work hard enough
And no one gets answers, so we’re all kind of stuck.

And when the unexpected happens
Again and again
No one looks forward to what’s around the bend

So what do you do when there’s no end in sight?
No land on the horizon?
No hope to help you sleep at night?

Some will jump ship.
Find their own way
But for those who can’t
They sail day by day.

All you can do
is keep doing your best
This is life, as we know,
It puts you to the test

You’ll get put through the ringer
Get buried in the sand
But, hey, at least you’ve found land.

All you can do on some of the days
Is find the small victories
A reason to say “hooray!”

And despite him and her
and the dreamer over there
There’s a reason to believe things will get better
Hope is all we have to spare.

And maybe, in the end
You’ll look back at the mess
And see a mosaic
And have no regrets

The Derailing of an Exhausted Mind

Have you ever been so tired, you can’t sleep? You’re physically exhausted. Can’t stand to raise your arms or even walk and yet your mind–though dull–won’t let you enjoy the softness of your pillow?

I’m at that point currently. It’s nowhere near midnight on a day that isn’t the day this post posted. I tried sleeping, but my mind won’t shut up. It’s frustrating. All I want to do is sleep and yet my mind wants to review all the things that got to me today. Stress from work and a guest blowing up at me for telling her she’s on a vehicles only road. She must have been having a really bad day.

Another thing about being this tired is that you think about things you don’t normally think about. Maybe it’s something embarrassing you did several years ago. Or you question a decision you made that day and you wonder if people are going to look down on you for it. Maybe you realize something you said was stupid. It’s taxing when one of your flaws is that you’re a people pleaser.

Well, it’s closer to midnight. I’ve been sitting here, staring at the screen, and looking around my room as my brain ping-pongs different topics I could talk about. I’d probably start rambling. I’m so tired…

Looking around my room–it’s not a bad room. My desk stares at the current canvas on my easel and the paintings I’ve done on the wall. One of the paintings (I guess you could call it a painting. It has charcoal and ink and a little bit of paint), is one I’ve shared on this website before. It’s a simple painting with black smudges, chains, and words.

Most of the words are ones that I would kill if I could:

Senseless, coward, purposeless, ignored, useless, worthless, fool, selfish, defeated, unwanted, broken, impure, gross, pathetic, stupid, flawed, forgotten, and surd.

They’re all words that bring you down. We’ve all thought of them at some point. They come at your core. Demean you by any means necessary. To the people pleasers, they are relentless. They tell you all the time that nobody likes you. You’re a mistake, a hypocrite, or you do everything wrong. They downright suck.

Yet, in the midst of all those chains and darkness, there is a light that stands out. A single word that shines bright with an unbreakable barrier surrounding it.

You may feel useless, defeated, or any of those other things, but you will always be loved. Even if you had a really bad day at the zoo and you yelled at a zookeeper who wasn’t expecting it.

This isn’t how I thought this post would go. I just started typing and here’s where we ended up. I wonder what other things my mind will torture me with while I’m just trying to get some sleep. Matter of fact, there’s this bundle of bubble wrap atop my art cabinet. I can’t remember what’s inside it.

Answer: It’s a pokemon statue (dragonite) that I totally forgot I was going to paint. It will live on my desk until that happens. I have so much I want to paint…

Hey, look at that. It’s almost midnight. I’m starting to yawn again, so I should probably hit the hay. If I continue to be unable to sleep, perhaps I’ll get more webposts typed up. I hope you, at least, find some amusement in this one.

Night y’all.

I’ll Rise

I want to scream
I want to cry
I don’t want to die
I’ll get stronger
This won’t break me
Perhaps it’ll make me
I’m not a quitter
I just need to rest
A moment to catch my breath
Then I’ll get back up
Maybe cry some more
But my tears I’ll leave on the floor
I’m not done
I won’t forfeit
I’ll make it through, I know it
Take one day
Then one more
Keep going until I soar
I’ll be okay
I just need a moment
To sit and weep and be spent
Then I’ll rise
Like I did before
I’ll show you I’m not done for

Definition of Friendship

How would you define friendship? The dictionary says its a relationship between friends, the emotions or conduct of friends, a state of being friends. It even says its a state of mutual trust and support between nations and allies.

So, if friendship is the relationship between friends, then what’s a friend? Google dictionary says its someone whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection.

That’s the dictionary, but I find that people have their own definition of friends and friendship.

Some people consider everyone their meet their friend. For others, it takes a long time to consider someone a friend. As a kid, we’re asked by our parents if we made a new friend today. It’s important. We’re social beings, we need friends as much as some of us don’t want to admit it. When I was a kid, adults made it sound like everyone in your class is your friend. Some of them are just closer friends than others. So, I got into the mindset that everyone I met was my friend, and that’s not true.

In the world we live in these days, friends can be hard to come by. It can be hard to trust someone’s intentions. Whether you have someone’s support or whether they’re waiting to stab you in the back. You can meet someone, make a friend, but then life gets busy. You and your friend don’t talk anymore and you start to wonder if you’re even still friends. Perhaps your lives are just too different for you to be friends.

My favorite types of tv shows and movies are the ones between friends. The kinds where two best friends can yell and scream at each other for stupid things, but the next scene they’re back to supporting each other. Getting excited over little things. Having inside jokes. Teasing each other, but it when it comes down to it, they have each others backs.

Whatever your definition of friendship, I hope you find the kind of friendship in the tv shows. Friendship to cherish. Friendship to trust. Because, no one deserves to be alone.

A Day of Adventure

Daily writing prompt
If you could be someone else for a day, who would you be, and why?
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If I could be anyone else for a day, I’d be one of the horse-riding non-playable characters (NPC) in Legend of Zelda Tears of the Kingdom (TotK) Now, maybe this writing prompt wants me to pick someone real, but I don’t want to live someone else’s life. What if they have a huge test that day? Or a concert? An important meeting? I’m not going to be the one to ruin someone else’s life in a day.

I would pick one of the horse-riding NPCs in TotK because I think it would be so cool to just be you and your horse. You and your horse traveling and exploring a beautiful land. You come across the occasional traveler, trade goods, swap rumors and news, and move on. You may have to defend yourself from monsters or just run away from them. You and your horse take shelter when it rains and race the open meadow on bright, sunny days. You and your horse.

A horse-riding NPC isn’t the hero of the story. They’re not burdened with saving the land. There’s no pressure on them but to exist, travel, and meet curious people. If I could be anyone for a day. It would be a freely roaming horse rider.

You’re So Lucky

Daily writing prompt
Do you enjoy your job?
View all responses

When you go to parties or catch up with old friends, one of the questions that gets asked is “What are you up to these days?” People usually talk about their jobs, and that can lead to a question along the lines of do you enjoy what you do?

I’m a zookeeper. When I bring that up, people get very excited and immediately ask what animals I work with. I tell them all the big ones. A lot of people don’t know what a dik dik is or they don’t really care about birds or kudu, so I tell them about the gorillas, cheetahs, and leopards that I care for. That leads into the questions of how I interact with animals. Do I get to touch them? Feed them? What’s the day to day life? Eventually, we get to the “do you enjoy your job?” question, but it’s usually phrased as “do you love it?” As if there’s no other option but to love being a zookeeper.

The answer is yes. I do enjoy my job. I’m learning a lot. I get to interact with the animals and train them. I get to be a part of projects to make my zoo better, and I feel like I’m growing as well. A couple years ago, I wouldn’t have dreamed of talking to my boss’s boss–because how dare a small plebeian like myself talk to someone so important–but now I’m having conversations and email chains with them. So, yes, I enjoy my job. However, in a conversation with someone outside my job, the same phrase shows up several times:

You’re so lucky.

There’s a lot of people out there who dream of working with exotic animals. It’s a competitive field. Some people don’t get the chance or their lifepath takes a turn that they stop chasing that dream, or they can’t handle the financial struggles of a zookeeper–because you can’t support a family on a zookeeper’s pay. I’ve had a couple people tell me they’re living their dream vicariously through me. They want to hear all about the happenings at the zoo because even though they can’t follow that dream, they can still feel it’s there when they talk to me.

The truth is I am very lucky. I’m lucky that I had family that encouraged me to not settle. That supported me when my dreams shifted. I’m lucky I have a mother who was willing to put up with me living at home until I was 29 because I was trying to pursue this dream and others. Not a lot of people get that. Not a lot of people can chase their dreams because they have to choose something to help them survive financially instead. So, I am very lucky and very happy to be a zookeeper.

Stay in Bed

I don’t want to get out of bed

I don’t want to think of what I have to do

Or look at what I’ve been avoiding

I just want to decompress

Recover from the week that I’ve been having

I don’t want to think about going out

Or consider what I’ll do staying in

Just let me get away from being an adult

And ignore all that’s in my head

Don’t judge me for my lack of discipline

You have days where it’s hard to be you

When everything is all up in your head

I just want to stay in bed

Don’t Be a Zookeeper if…

  1. You can’t handle the unexpected happening everyday.
    I start off with this one because in my three years of zookeeping, it’s true. Rarely has there been a day when a curveball isn’t thrown in to the mix. Whether someone calls in and you’re below minimum for the day, or something weird is going on with your animals, or suddenly your raising a baby monkey or other. If you make a plan for your day, you need to be willing to throw it out the window at any moment. As a zookeeper, you’re working with animals and people. Anything can happen.
  2. You don’t want to learn unexpected skills.
    I’ve had to do a lot of things I never thought I would do as a zookeeper. I’ve done landscaping to improve our areas. I’ve built structures for animals (they’re not the best, but their functional). I’ve learned how to use different tools I never saw myself using before. I’m also learning how to tell apart different plants. What’s safe for our animals to eat and what isn’t. Another part of this category is learning to be creative. Using what you have to get the job done. You’ll struggle to be a zookeeper if you can’t adapt.
  3. You don’t like yard work.
    There are some zoos out there where it isn’t on the keeper to maintain an exhibit or public pathways, but there are zoos out there where it falls on you to keep the area looking nice. Mowing the grass and trimming back overgrowth is a huge part in making sure your animals are visible. Some animal exhibits involve moats that need to be cleared out and if you’re not careful, you might run into some poison ivy or oak. Depending on how big your exhibit is, you could be at it for a couple hours. You need to be willing to do yard work if you want to be a zookeeper.
  4. You don’t like people.
    A lot of us in the animal field will admit a reason we went into animal care because we don’t like people. Whether it’s true or not, you need to be able to work with people as a zookeeper. You have to work with your coworkers and you’ll need to be able to give animal chats and represent your zoo well. Even on the tough days, you need be able to smile. I’ve lost count of how many times I would be working on an exhibit and and guests would comment: “Oh, look at the keepers in their natural habitat!” or “Hey, look! An exhibit of humans!” It takes a lot of patience to smile and nod and wave people on their way.
  5. You don’t want to learn about animals outside your lane.
    There are lot of different types of zookeepers out there. Primate keepers, hoof stock keepers, carnivore, feline, aquatics, bird, reptile. With all the different types of animals out there, you naturally have different kinds of keepers. I wanted to get into the carnivore/feline lane. I love cheetahs, lions, leopards, tigers. My dream is to work with big cats, be a feline keeper. However, my zoo doesn’t focus felines. We have felines. I take care of a leopard and cheetah, but we have more birds, hoof stock, reptiles, and primates on our team than felines. In order to take care of these animals, I have to know about them. I need to research them. Get to know them and expand my knowledge beyond cats. Knowing your lane and your passion as a keeper is good, but being willing to expand your knowledge into other lanes makes you a more valuable keeper.
  6. You expect animals to do as they’re told.
    Some animals know the routine. Some don’t. Some know how to get on the scale to get weighed. Some are afraid of the scale. Some animals know you want them inside, but decide they would rather stay outside for the night. Some animals are seeing you for the first time and have no idea why you’re holding your arm and finger out. There is a communication barrier when working with animals and it’s your job as a zookeeper to understand that barrier. Animals communicate how they’re feeling and they offer warning signs if you’re doing something wrong. You need to be able to communicate your intentions with body language back to them. I’ve been working with three flighty and timid vultures these past couple months and I’m finally to a point where two of them won’t fly away when I enter their space and they’ll even allow me to get within a couple of feet of them. It’s been a long process, but I keep showing them what to expect from me, and I’ve been trying several different types of meat as peace offerings, but I’m hopeful that the trust I’m building with the vultures will continue to grow. It takes patience. Which leads me to my next point.
  7. You have little patience.
    You will struggle as a zookeeper if you can’t be patient. Patient with your animals. Patient with people. Patient with how long training is taking. You remember my first point? When the unexpected happens everyday, that means that other things get pushed back. You’ll start to feel like tasks are taking much longer than they should, and it can make you feel like a terrible keeper. However, the bottom line is that some things are out of our control and we can only make the best of what we have. Tasks will get done eventually. You have to be okay with that if you’re going to be a keeper.
  8. You’re not good at hiding fear.
    Animals can tell when you’re nervous or afraid. Some animals will take advantage of it to try and get the upper hand on you. Hoof stock will try to charge. Some cats will pounce at the mesh to make you jump. Primates will display. You’ve got to be able to stand your ground. Trust that the mesh between you and the cat or you and the primate is going to hold and don’t react. When some animals realize they can make you react, they’ll keep pushing to get more reactions out of you. We’ve got a Kirk’s Dik Dik–an antelope the size of a small dog–who will charge at keepers occasionally to test their mettle. If a keeper reacts by running or swinging something at him, he’ll keep charging that keeper like its a game. However, if a keeper calmly stands their ground, he’ll back off and you won’t have anymore trouble with him. Zookeepers need to be able to stay calm when challenged.
  9. You aren’t willing to learn empathy.
    Some people say empathy is a rare thing to come by these days. I say it’s important in the zoo field. Not only do you need to consider what your team mates are going through, but what your animals are going through. Maybe they’re living their best life by laying in the sunshine and chewing on cud. Or, they could have a limp, are blind in one eye, and their lip can’t always keep their tongue inside their mouth. Every animal is different and every person is different. Zookeeping is a hard job and requires a lot of teamwork. Empathy is a big part in making sure everyone succeeds.
  10. You have a hard time saying goodbye.
    Animals don’t live forever. You and your team will find yourselves making the tough calls, sometimes more frequently than you anticipate. You need to be able to say goodbye, grieve, and take care of yourself so you can help the next animals that come your way. Loss is hard, and when it comes in waves, it can knock you flat on your back, but a keeper’s job is to make life the best it can be for the animals in their care. It’s hard saying goodbye, but there are other animals that need you to.

Crippled King

There once was a king named Stanley
Some called him Stanley the Manley
A griffin born and valley raised
Among magical creatures, he’d spend all of his days
His heart was full of spirit
His mind believed it was right
That he ruled the land with all of his might
Eleven years he did live
One hundred lives he seemed to have
By the end of it all, he looked pretty bad.
One flight, he did soar, and injured his beak
It sat quite off and the keratin was weak
From then on to the end of his days
A beak trim was needed to keep bacteria away
Another year came a terrible infection
In the bone of a wing. It took serious intervention
He didn’t know if he’d ever survive
But life only cost his ability to fly
You’d think that would’ve lost him his crown
But Stanley was tough and also quite proud
Whenever a new griffin arrived in his kingdom
He stomped up and warned how they should greet him
His favorite activity was to bathe in the stream
Wet all of his feathers, they had to be clean
Yet each bath was a chance, roll of the dice
For hypothermia came, not once, but twice
His friends jumped in. Help they would get.
Thinking: “This is it. He’s a goner, I bet”
Somehow, Stanley made it outright
Staying alive out of nothing but spite
Special conditions meant to keep him out of trouble
He could watch his kingdom from his own little bubble
Then came the mites that attacked his skin
And his feet would blister, bruising within
Matted and worn was this crippled King,
With offset beak and limping wing
Physically broken was no way to live
But his spirit was strong, an inspiration to give
He walked through his kingdom on a warm sunny day.
And took a cool bath as his final say
While his friends all packed up the night
Stanley took to the sky, and if you listen just right
You’ll hear his spirit there on the wind
Giving a mighty cry as a new day begins
Off in the air on a winter’s sunset
The great king took his final rest

Not a Valentines Day Post

This is not a Valentines Day post.
This is not to wish love to all the happy couples
Or luck to the brave ones starting out
This is not to acknowledge the unending red stocking the store shelves
This is not a post of rose petals or truffles or giant stuffed bears
Not a post for make-up or blushes–’cause really–who cares?
Forget the fancy dinners and hour reservations
Or the dates that we put all of our faith in
This is not for the rom-coms taking up the streaming sites
And all the cheesy scenes that make me roll my eyes
No, this ain’t for any of you love-struck duos
But instead, are for the ones who find themselves alone
Alone on the couch with an ice cream tub
Or alone on a walk, watching couples eat grub
For the ones who find themselves yearning for a companion
Who’s hearts feels as empty as a canyon
Here’s to you singles with your head held high
Knowing your strong without a girl or a guy
But if love is your wish. I hope it finds you
Without all the trouble that it can brew
This is not to say Happy Valentines Day
But instead wishes for smiles to come your way