Your People

Every now and then I like to pull out my old planners and take a look through them. I like to think looking back at them could help me appreciate the present or provide hope for the future. This week, I pulled out my 2017 planner to see what I did the week of April 20th.

The answer is that I played a lot of video games and watched a lot of TV shows when I wasn’t at work or in my college classes. Yet, something else caught my eye.

Down in the “Notes” section of my planner for that week, I wrote this:

“I fall and I trip. I cannot stand alone, but what is to be done?”

I wish I could tell you what I meant by that. I wish I knew the exact date I wrote that. Maybe I wrote it in my Foods class? I either have “boring” or nothing written for that class for the week. Maybe it was a quote from one of my video games or shows? But I’m sure I would’ve written down who said it if it was. Maybe I felt lonely? Looks like I didn’t hang out with anyone on the weekend.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could go back? If opening this planner was the equivalent to opening a door that week so I could sit myself down and figure out what was going on in my head back then? Let myself know that things will work out and your grades don’t define you. This was the year I would’ve graduated, so I’d flick myself in the head and tell me to take classes that would help with zookeeping instead of veterinary stuff. Classes like husbandry, hoof care, in depth nutrition, reptiles, and browsable plants. Yet, life would be too easy if our present selves could give our past selves a head’s up.

I may never know what I meant with that quote for my week in 2017. I can say I still fall and I still trip. I mean, I almost fell in a muddle pile trying to push a 400lbs tortoise today. No one can stand alone. We can try, but being alone is hard. So, what’s to be done? The answer sounds simple, but a lot of us would find it hard:

We gotta find our people.

Find people you can trust. Find people who will have your back. That you can call up to go out or hang in with a movie and chill. Find people who get you. Who like you and people you’d do the same for. Be someone others can trust. Someone who will have others’ back. Someone anyone can call to hang out. Be someone who gets your friends and who likes your friends.

Everyone deserves their own people. I hope we all get the chance to find them.

I Called Him a Traitor

I called him a traitor.
Right there to his face.
My hands were clenched.
My knees could only shake.

“You were the best of us,”
I cried in tears.
“The greatest knight to be,
Through all these years.”

He said not a word.
He just gave a blank stare.
Did my words mean anything?
Did he even care?

The city’s in rage.
There’s fire ablaze.
Yet, my heart’s chilled like the ice age.

The king’s order echoes with steel.
Every man turns red.
Like wolves looking for veal,
They want this traitor’s head.

I’m all that stands,
Between him and his freedom.
I’m all that blocks him from leaving the kingdom.

He stares at my tears,
Looking like a ghost.
I can’t tell what he wants most.

Such a heinous crime.
To destroy the future.
And there’s not a scratch on him.
Not even a suture.

“Why’d you do it?” My voice cracked.
“Why’d you betray us all?”
“Was there something you wanted?”
“Is this you standing tall?”

His eyes turn downward,
But his lips stay silent.
“Answer me,” I cried.
“You’re not this violent.”

How many journeys?
And how many quests?
How many times did I see him at his best?

Unfaltering in battle.
Unmatched with skill.
So full of honor.
No one could break his will.

Where was the man I knew so long?
“What changed?” I begged.
“Tell me what’s wrong.”

My heart broke when he lifted his head
“Do what you must,” was all he said.

I drew an arrow,
And raised my bow.
But to aim at him,
I felt so low.

“You’ll face the king’s justice,”
I could barely whisper.
“And pay for what you did to the future.”

He raised his hands.
I’m surprised he surrendered.
“I’m glad it’s you,” he said.
His voice was so tendered.

I bound his hands,
All I feel is disgrace.
For I love the man I called traitor to his face.

I Saw a Pinecone

I saw a pinecone on the road
And it made me smile
I realized I hadn’t seen one in a while

I saw a bird sitting on a branch
It sang a sweet song
Like a tune to a romance

I saw a flower budding from a weed
It shone like the sun
Gave pollen to the bees

I saw the sunrise
In vibrant purples and pinks
The way the cloud covered it
Made it look like it winked

I saw spots of black on gold
And heard a dream whisper
“Dare to be bold”

I saw a rabbit a few feet away
A brave little bunny 
Going its own way

I saw the small things
And it made me ponder
How many times
Do we miss all the wonder?

A Long Way

This week, a solar eclipse occurred. I wasn’t in the path of totality, but you could tell it was happening. The world got steadily darker. It felt almost as if a foreboding plot point in a story was gearing up. The world darkens, then some big ominous thing happens. Yet, at the same time, there was a sense of calm in the air like the world was getting ready to take a power nap.

I was working the day the eclipse happened. It worked out that I got to experience it during my lunch. The day was bright and sunny, so I took lunch on the roof of one of our animal buildings. I watched the world darken. Shadows intensified and brightness dimmed away.

Then it got cold.

I felt a chill as more and more of the sun was covered by the moon. It was astounding. We were enjoying a sunny, warm day and within an hour, the world gets stifled and chilly. It made me look up a lot. Not at the sun, but at the sky itself. It’s beautiful shades of blue that block the blackness of space beyond. I’ve been trying to work on my sci-fi novel lately and it’s set in space. That plus the solar eclipse was a great reminder that there’s so much more than just what we see.

Like I said, I wasn’t in totality, but I believe I was in the upper 80-90% coverage range when it came to the eclipse. I didn’t have glasses, but my coworker was kind and let me borrow his on occasion. When we reached our max coverage, the sun looked like the sliver of a waning, orange moon through those glasses. I remember being astounded at how little of the sun was left and yet the world was still bright enough for life to be unaffected. I work at a zoo. I watched the behavior of our animals and native birds to see how they would respond to the darkening world. The birds still went about their business. The herds on the plains still grazed away. The Guinea fowl screamed–but they always do that. And, our cheetah kept watch over it all like always. None of the animals reacted to the partial eclipse.

I think that was my favorite part. The world could get blocked. The sun could be hard to see. Yet, a little light can go a long way.

All-Nighter

When was the last time you pulled an all-nighter? Why did you do it? How did you feel afterwards?

The last time I pulled an all-nighter was in the fall of last year. My zoo had to preform an emergency C-section on one of our monkeys. The baby and mother survived, but the mother rejected the baby in order to recover from the surgery. We had to hand raise the child.

Our little baby monkey required 24 hour care. It was an “all hands on deck” situation as we had to have enough people to cover all animal routines as well as baby shifts. I remember going in for my first midnight to 8am shift. I tried to sleep beforehand, but couldn’t. All we had to do during the midnight shift was to make sure the baby got her scheduled bottles and that nothing went wrong. We were allowed to sleep, but for someone who’s never raised a monkey before, you can bet it was impossible. Every time the baby moved, I had to check on her. Every time I felt myself drifting off, I’d startle awake with the paranoia of needing to check on the baby. She was fine every time, of course. Needless to say, it was a rough night. I was relieved when it was over and understandably cranky during morning rush hour. When I got home, I promptly passed out.

Thankfully, the baby was able to get reintroduced to her family. Her mother recovered from the surgery and accepted the baby back. It was as happy an ending as you could get, and definitely worth all those late nights.

Wow. I’m Dumb.

Have you ever had a moment where you realize something and feel incredibly dumb for not realizing it sooner than you did? Whether it’s solving a puzzle, a riddle, or something that perplexed you? Well, I’d like to get real with you, because for me, there’s a special skill in the world that takes me a hot minute to recognize. Once I finally do, it makes me feel like the dumbest person in the world.

As a kid, I played a lot of Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time. I enjoyed journeying with Link, the protagonist, around Hyrule and watching him swing his sword as I pushed the buttons. I knew how he wielded his weapons and performed his attacks. He always wore his sword and shield on his back and carried his sword in his left hand.

Occasionally, my brother and I would make our own sword and shield out of cardboard and I distinctly remember trying to mimic Link by holding the weapons the same way he does: sword in the left and shield in the right. However, it felt very wrong and that confused me. I remember thinking that the sword in the left hand is how Link does it, so that must be right. The game makers would’ve studied swordplay to have Link’s movements be correct. Yet, I felt better carrying my sword in my right hand. It didn’t make sense to me.

Fast forward to when Twilight Princess came out on the Wii and it finally occurred to me that Link was left-handed.

And, now, my most recent blunder has been watching my favorite swordsman on the anime One Piece. He always carries his swords on his right side and it partly made sense to me since he always pops one of the swords out of its sheath with his right thumb, but there was a disconnect in my mind on how he fully draws the blade.

Laying in bed several months later, it finally clicks that the swordsman wears his swords on his right side because he’s left-handed.

I believe the statistic is that there’s more right-handed people in the world than left-handed people. So, I’m glad that the creators of these characters I love so dearly have this subtle trait to them. However, I have to laugh at the fact that this trait of theirs makes me feel very dumb.

I am a right side dominant person. My right hand is dominant, my right leg is dominant, my right eye is dominant, and I am right brain dominant as well. So, it’s hard for me to fathom doing something with my left side. Kicking a ball with my left won’t be as good as with my right. If I try to look through a telescope, I’ll likely smack my left eye with it first when I wouldn’t smack my right. Trying to write with my left hand causes my brain to scream nineties computer dialup tones. I won’t brace a vegetable I try to chop with my left hand because I don’t want to risk harming myself. Even punching in numbers on a keypad with my left hand feels like I’m trying to do rocket science.

As proven, it takes a hot minute for me to recognize a character as left-handed when they appear in my favorite games and shows. I try to rationalize how they do what they do as if they’re right-handed before the obvious answer finally clicks. I have a coworker who’s left-handed and I’ve caught myself watching them do things with their left hand like they’re performing some sort of sorcery. It’s genuinely fascinating and I am kind of jealous. I do wish my left hand was more talented, but the simple uniqueness makes me smile.

I’m right side dominant. There are people out there who are left side dominant. Then there are people who are a bit of both. It’s incredible. Something that makes my brain scream nineties computer dialup noises is like second nature to someone else. It makes me appreciate all the little differences between people even more. We’re all human beings, but we’re not all same.

I will probably continue to blunder in recognizing left-handed people and characters, but I’m hoping the time it takes me to realize it shortens every time. It’s incredible how something so simple can make you feel like a dumb, terrible person. So, what are some things that make you pause and say “Wow. I’m dumb?”

Measure of Too Much

How much is too much? When it comes to effort? Is it when you’re exhausted at the end of the day? Find yourself on the floor with no will to move?

How much is too much? When you give and give. All the effort for scratches and bruises and cracks?

You do what you can. You do it at your best. Then, your time, your dreams are all used to rest.

You find yourself wondering when you’re put to the test. Will your effort hold out when conflict’s at it’s best?

Nerves get frayed. Exhaustion’s great trap. Hold to it too long and it causes you to snap.

How much is too much? Is it when you question everything? Wonder if you’re okay? Or if everything is slipping?

You hold onto hope. Tell yourself nothing’s wrong. You face the horizon. Say it’ll get better. It won’t be long.

You crack a joke so no one knows that you’re breaking. Say you’re waiting for rock bottom. That’s one thing you can believe in.

Down at rock bottom, there’s only one way to go. You try to hold out. It’s all that you know.

When the waters get darker and fear creeps in. You remind yourself to look up. Find the light again.

But how much is too much? When the pressure starts quaking? All effort gets spent. You’re always shaking.

At the end of it all, you can’t see the future. So you keep holding out, believing it’ll get better.

Question the Dream

Daily writing prompt
When you were five, what did you want to be when you grew up?
View all responses

When I was little, I always said I would be a veterinarian, and in my mind, I would be the greatest veterinarian in the world. I’d be able to heal any animal. I even remember making a sign for my bedroom door that said “Animal Love Vet Place” and I would take care of my and my brother’s stuffed animals that were sick. All through school, that’s what I thought I would be, but things change.

When you’re little and people find out that you love animals enough to want to work with them, they’re first thought is “oh, so you’re going to become a veterinarian?” Because that’s the first job people think of when they think of working with animals. No one tells you of other jobs you can do. They keep suggesting veterinarian because it’s a good, well paying job to have that does a lot of good for animals, and you end up getting funneled onto this path.

So, all through high school and all through college, I followed the veterinarian path. I got into the programs, and made it my degree. Yet, my last two years of college, I started questioning the path. I found myself avoiding the topic of going to vet school. When it came to my classes, I was going through the motions. Yes. I want to learn about animals. I love anatomy and physiology, but the thought of being in a lab or a clinic wasn’t appealing. I wasn’t invested in what it would take to become a veterinarian. I found myself wanting to do other things instead.

My last semester of college, I finally made the decision to not become a veterinarian. Some people I told took it better than others, but it was a big relief to me. There were several factors that went into the decision, but the biggest one was that I didn’t want animals to be afraid of me. No animal likes going to the vet. When the vet walks into the room, they hide or try to get away. Veterinarians do so much good for animals, but the animals don’t realize it. I don’t think I have the strength to constantly be scary to animals.

I graduated with a pre-vet degree and went back home to pursue a new dream. One that I knew I wanted. I’m a zookeeper. I work with exotic animals every day of my work week. I get to earn their trust, improve their habitats, and learn their behaviors. I still get to take part in medical procedures whether it’s helping with voluntary vaccines in our cats or training for voluntary ultrasounds in our primates. I get to watch our animals be afraid of our veterinarians, but be more forgiving to me and my fellow keepers. It’s a demanding job, but it’s a lot more rewarding to me.

My dream when I little ended up not being the dream that I wanted. So, I hope this is an encouragement to everyone to question your own dream. Why are you following it? Is it something you enjoy doing? Are you really invested in it? Or, are you doing it because it’s expected of you? Ask yourself the deep questions and if you find yourself hesitating, ask yourself why. Why are you pursuing this dream? You may find the answer surprising and you may find yourself moving toward a more enjoyable path like I did.

It’s great to have dreams, but make sure your dreams are what you really want.

Do What You Can

One of my favorite things to do to escape the world is to watch One Piece. It’s a goofy anime about pirates that follow their dreams. Although it’s a cartoon, it does hit a lot of heavy topics: racism, corruption, defiled morals, so and so forth.

In the Alabasta arc where the pirates are trying to take back a kingdom for their friend, the pirate who’s been on the crew the longest and the newest recruit have a conversation about their crazy crew. The new recruit is trying to understand how the crew works because everyone on it has their own agenda. One wants to be king of the pirates, one wants to be the world’s greatest swordsman, another wants to draw a map of the world. Each member of the crew has their own dream. The veteran crew member ends up giving his definition of teamwork and ends up saying this line:

“You do what you can, the best that you can and then you turn to the others and expect the same from them.”

~Roronoa Zoro

Even though everyone on the crew has their own agenda, they do what they can to make their crew work and help each other follow their dreams. Each person on the crew has their own skill set: a navigator, doctor, swordsman, sniper, cook, etc. and by excelling in their own individual skills, they’re able to help their crew as a whole.

I’ll admit, I paused the show when I heard this quote said. It felt like relief. Sometimes life can get heavy, you know? It can feel like there’s too much going on and you don’t know if you can keep up or complete your tasks. You start feeling like a failure, like you’re not good enough. However, all you can do is the best that you can. I’ve been trying my best at a lot of work things. It gets exhausting and there are days when I wonder if my best is enough. In the end, it doesn’t matter. My best is all I can give. As long as I keep doing that, I can walk away with no regret.

Featured Image taken from actual episode of One Piece where quote is said.

I’m Not a Thief

I like pirates.

I like the freedom of adventure.

Of not caring what others think.

I like pirates.

But I’m not a thief.

I like playing the pickpocket.

Of testing the video game to see if I get caught.

Sneaking around as a cat burglar assassin.

I like playing the pickpocket.

But I’m not a thief.

I like sneaking up on people.

Being so quiet they don’t hear me.

And, they startle when they turn around.

I like sneaking up on people.

But I’m not a thief.

I like characters with honor.

I try to model after them.

Integrity intact.

So, I’m not a thief.

I like writing stories.

Of characters with nothing.

They do what it takes to survive.

But I’m not a thief.

So what do you do?

When a thief in your midst

Steals the honor of your crew

That’s what others see when they look at you.

Nothing but a thief.