A collection of creativity
I don’t want to get out of bed
I don’t want to think of what I have to do
Or look at what I’ve been avoiding
I just want to decompress
Recover from the week that I’ve been having
I don’t want to think about going out
Or consider what I’ll do staying in
Just let me get away from being an adult
And ignore all that’s in my head
Don’t judge me for my lack of discipline
You have days where it’s hard to be you
When everything is all up in your head
I just want to stay in bed
There once was a king named Stanley
Some called him Stanley the Manley
A griffin born and valley raised
Among magical creatures, he’d spend all of his days
His heart was full of spirit
His mind believed it was right
That he ruled the land with all of his might
Eleven years he did live
One hundred lives he seemed to have
By the end of it all, he looked pretty bad.
One flight, he did soar, and injured his beak
It sat quite off and the keratin was weak
From then on to the end of his days
A beak trim was needed to keep bacteria away
Another year came a terrible infection
In the bone of a wing. It took serious intervention
He didn’t know if he’d ever survive
But life only cost his ability to fly
You’d think that would’ve lost him his crown
But Stanley was tough and also quite proud
Whenever a new griffin arrived in his kingdom
He stomped up and warned how they should greet him
His favorite activity was to bathe in the stream
Wet all of his feathers, they had to be clean
Yet each bath was a chance, roll of the dice
For hypothermia came, not once, but twice
His friends jumped in. Help they would get.
Thinking: “This is it. He’s a goner, I bet”
Somehow, Stanley made it outright
Staying alive out of nothing but spite
Special conditions meant to keep him out of trouble
He could watch his kingdom from his own little bubble
Then came the mites that attacked his skin
And his feet would blister, bruising within
Matted and worn was this crippled King,
With offset beak and limping wing
Physically broken was no way to live
But his spirit was strong, an inspiration to give
He walked through his kingdom on a warm sunny day.
And took a cool bath as his final say
While his friends all packed up the night
Stanley took to the sky, and if you listen just right
You’ll hear his spirit there on the wind
Giving a mighty cry as a new day begins
Off in the air on a winter’s sunset
The great king took his final rest
This is not a Valentines Day post.
This is not to wish love to all the happy couples
Or luck to the brave ones starting out
This is not to acknowledge the unending red stocking the store shelves
This is not a post of rose petals or truffles or giant stuffed bears
Not a post for make-up or blushes–’cause really–who cares?
Forget the fancy dinners and hour reservations
Or the dates that we put all of our faith in
This is not for the rom-coms taking up the streaming sites
And all the cheesy scenes that make me roll my eyes
No, this ain’t for any of you love-struck duos
But instead, are for the ones who find themselves alone
Alone on the couch with an ice cream tub
Or alone on a walk, watching couples eat grub
For the ones who find themselves yearning for a companion
Who’s hearts feels as empty as a canyon
Here’s to you singles with your head held high
Knowing your strong without a girl or a guy
But if love is your wish. I hope it finds you
Without all the trouble that it can brew
This is not to say Happy Valentines Day
But instead wishes for smiles to come your way
The other day, I was working on a painting I’ve been envisioning for a long time. It’s a cute little tufted titmouse sitting in a redbud tree with a beautiful blue sky behind it. I started the painting years ago. I coated the canvas with a background of sky blue then started working on the branches of the redbud tree. After that, came the flowers. Each one turned out a little different and didn’t actually capture the same color as all the redbud blossoms I looked up online. It frustrated me. So, I stepped away from the painting for a while.
The outline of the titmouse was outlined in pencil on the canvas, but I never started. I had the notion that I had to finish the blossoms first, then I could work on the cute little titmouse. Well, the other day, I threw those notions out the window and painted my little bird.
It took me hours. I couldn’t quite get the coloring I wanted on the bird. I wanted a pretty, light blue-gray and ended up with something too dark or too white and the blue didn’t come out at all. I lost count of how many coats I put on the bird. Something I didn’t feel was quite right, I would cover up after it dried. Then, there were a couple moments where I wished I hadn’t covered up the layer before, because I believed it was better than what I was putting down. It was getting frustrating.
I took a step back from my little bird. Focused on something else, didn’t even look at it. Then, when I actually did come back to my titmouse, it looked so much better than I originally believe. No, it wasn’t the exact same thing from the picture I was using to paint it, but that just means it’s mine and not a replica of a photo someone took.
I wonder how many times in life do we coat and cover things with layers because we don’t like what’s originally there? People have a lot of layers too. Some of them are true layers and some are just used to hide what they don’t feel is just right. However, if you take a step back, you’ll find that the layers work really well together. Just like a painting.
Have you ever come across an opportunity that would be a great help in you pursuing your dreams, but it cost A LOT of money? It’s an exciting opportunity. You want to take part. You know you’ll learn a lot, but you look at the cost, and look at your bank account, and think about all the bills you have to pay, and you wonder if you can afford it?
Last year when I attended an Online Writing Day Workshop, I queried an agent who ended up telling me about this group of writers called Realm Makers. They’re Christian writers like me. The agent told me she saw them as the “cool kids of the fantasy genre.” She felt they would be a great resource in helping me pursue my dream of getting published. I looked them up after that workshop was over. Signed up for their newsletter, and stalked a few of their pages. Turns out, they have their own writing conference every year. After looking into more about them, I decided I wanted to go. This conference would be a new experience.
Well, I missed the 2023 conference, but I wasn’t concerned. I have a goal of attending at least one writing conference a year and I already did that for 2023. For 2024, I was determined to go to Realm Makers. I asked off work ahead of time when I learned of the dates, and I checked their pages weekly to see when registration was opening.
Registration opened on February 1st–and it’s still open for any of you writers out there interested in going. It was the first thing I looked at when I got up in the morning. I skimmed through the speakers and faculty and recognized a couple names. Some of the class titles sounded really interesting. It was exciting to think about all the possibilities that could happen at this conference. Maybe someone would be interested in my book? Maybe I’d get great feedback on how to improve my book? Maybe I’d make friends in this writing community? Friends who would help me grow as a writer and hold me accountable for when I don’t write. It was inspiring.
Then I saw the price.
The amount knocked me off my feet. I’ve never paid so much for a writing conference. It made me start questioning everything. Can I afford it? Do I really want to go? Will going make any difference? Would it even be worth it?
The debate in my mind lasted throughout the day. It even made it hard to focus on my job. The money aspect of this conference completely deflated my excitement for this conference. Doesn’t it suck how money does that? You can be super excited about something. Maybe a trip or a job opportunity, but you see how much it costs or how little the job pays and suddenly it’s not that exciting anymore.
So, what do you do? Do you take a chance? Spend the money or take the job and budget every penny so you can save what you spent back up? Or do you play it safe and not risk the money on a dream that may not come true?
As for me, I’m taking the chance. I’m gonna go hang out with the “cool kids of the fantasy genre,” and hope for the best. It’ll be a new adventure despite the cost, and I can’t wait.
Do you remember when you were a kid? Were you scared of the dark? Needed a nightlight to chase away the monsters in the shadows? Did you try hiding under the bed covers to hide from the creatures in the closet? Eventually, you grow out of it. You know the monsters aren’t real and you’re versed enough to navigate your room when you can’t see.
If I’m being honest, I’ve been scared of the dark lately. Scared of laying in bed in the black and the quiet. Alone. Because, the real monsters aren’t physical. They aren’t hiding in the closet or crawling under the bed. They’re not going to leap out and harm you or take your life while you sleep. No. The real monsters invade the mind. They keep you lying awake at night with scenarios and fears that probably won’t come true. They turn molehill problems into mountains you don’t think you can face. The real monsters in the dark get you when you’re alone and turn your thoughts against you. They steal your sleep and your peace.
I’m guilty of avoiding what’s bothering me. Avoiding what I don’t want to face. My weekends are when these monsters show up the strongest. I have a physically exhausting job, so it helps me fall asleep before the monsters come out, but when I’m not working, it’s harder to sleep. I’m the type of person who will lie in bed for 30 minutes to an hour before I’m finally able to fall asleep. That’s plenty of time for the monster to come creeping. So, I distract myself. I stay up late watching tv shows or movies. Write fanfiction roleplay with friends or play a video game all to avoid laying in bed in the dark, tossing and turning as I try to fight the fears and scenarios that creep into my head. Maybe I do go to bed to try and fall asleep, but then I pull out my computer to write this here post.
I hate the Dark. You always see it in movies and shows. The villain breaks down the hero. Tells them their worst fears that the audience knows to be lies and yet, the hero believes those lies. The hero falls right into Darkness’s trap and they turn to anger or depression. They’re so seized by fear that you in the audience just want to smack some sense into them. Tell them the truth. You will for them to remember who they are and what they’re fighting for. You want to scream that their role matters.
Darkness is so easy to recognize in the movies. I bet you can recall a few times you thought the hero was stupid for falling to its lies. So, how come its harder to face in real life? Is it because its actually happening to you and not some character on the screen? Is it because the situation is different? What was difficult for that character may not seem so difficult to you and yet what you’re facing is too much? Is it because we try to go it alone? Hide our fears from the world by telling everyone: “I’m fine.” Then you start lying to yourself. “Oh, my problems aren’t that big compared to that other person. I shouldn’t complain. I’m dumb for being unable to handle this. I shouldn’t let anyone know I’m not strong enough.”
That’s the trap, isn’t it? Darkness gets you alone. Tells you, you shouldn’t bother others with your problems. You’re being stupid for making mountains out of molehills. Others will just scoff at you. Once it has you alone, unable to speak your fears to others, it turns your little molehills into mountains:
“Oh, that bump you feel under your skin could be cancer.”
“Remember that mistake you made at work? That’ll get you fired. Or that comment you made to your friend. That was mean. They must hate you now.”
“You don’t know how to properly query. All your hard work will be for nothing.”
“You think you can make it on dreams? You have no money, so you have no future.”
If that doesn’t get you, Darkness will bombard you with “what if” scenarios. What if you have cancer? What will you do? How will you pay for it? What if you totally botch that interview? What if your house catches fire while you’re asleep? What if you lose everything? What if you end up in a car crash? What will you do if this person suddenly disappeared from your life? What if you’re rejected by everyone?
Suddenly, you’re drowning in fear. Can’t sleep. Probably crying in bed. You don’t want to bother anyone since its late. You don’t want to call for help, so you remain stuck. Trying to fight this Darkness on your own.
It’s so depressing.
Usually, I’m able to distract my mind enough to ward off Darkness’s monsters. I’ll think of a scene in a fanfiction (not one of my original stories because then I just end up writing down ideas or writing in general), and I’ll expand on the possibilities of that scene until I don’t even realize I fell asleep. It works well enough, but I remember a night where Darkness got the best of me. It whispered enough scenarios into my mind that I was crying in bed. Sitting up. Hugging my cat. I was scared and I knew I was scared over something that was minor. I needed sleep, so I couldn’t distract myself with a movie or show, but I didn’t want to lie down and take another assault from the monsters in my mind. I needed to fight back, but I didn’t know if I had the strength.
Thankfully, there are tools to help. I ended up going to the Pandora music app on my phone. Turned it on the lowest volume and just listened to music. I chose Christian music because I needed heavenly help. I set my phone next to me and laid in bed with my eyes closed. All I did was listen to the music. With my focus on the music, the Darkness, the monsters, the fears, they all faded away. I don’t remember how many songs I listened too. I don’t even remember shutting the music off, but it helped me get through the night without being scared of the Dark.
Whatever Darkness that you’re facing. Whatever fears linger at the edge of your mind, I hope you know you’re not alone. You can reach out for help. Whether heavenly help, like I had needed, or help from a friend. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to be afraid of the Dark, but you don’t have to stay there.
Can you recall a time you felt you were your worst self? Whether some event occurred that caused you to blow your top, or sob your eyes out. When are the times you know you could use some improvement?
For me, it’s when I’m driving. Not only do I hate driving, but I tend to be an impatient driver. I don’t want to be in the car for longer than I have to be, so red lights and people slowing down for no apparent reason sours my mood like sour Skittles. I have a long drive to and from my workplace. On a good day, it takes thirty minutes. On a bad day, it can take over an hour.
My worst self is when I’m in the car, wanting to be home after a long day at work. People who don’t follow the rules of the road or even use their blinker easily gain a hardened look from me. If I have to slam on my brakes because someone who’s in a hurry cuts me off, I have a tendency to growl at them.
I’m trying to do better.
On heavy traffic days, I try to focus on the radio instead of how long the drive is taking. If someone speeds past me and is swerving through the lanes, I try not to grit my teeth, but take a deep breath and think they must have a good reason. Maybe they’re trying to get to a hospital to say goodbye to a loved one? Maybe their baby’s being born? Maybe someone they love is in trouble and they’re trying to get to them? Maybe it’s something more important than just wanting to be home or being late for work? I’m trying to offer a little grace, but it’s going to take a lot work.
So, how about you? When are you your worst self? How do you act when your worst self shows up? Do you growl and call people names like I do in my car? Make bitter remarks or cry your eyes out? What are you doing to help you be better?
The other day, I found an old binder amongst my stuff. It was my drawing binder from when I was a kid. All the drawings and sketches I did on notebook paper ended up in this binder. I was going through it for the fun of it. A lot of drawings are objects from my childhood room, fanfic daydreams from games I used to play, or characters from shows I used to watch. I will say, the drawings improve with skill the further into the binder you go–which is a relief to me.
It made me smile seeing all the pictures in that binder. Even back then, I was crafting stories. Whether fanfiction or ideas of my own. Some of the pictures have captions that explain the story that goes with the drawing or who the character is and why they’re there. I even left myself a cliffhanger: A cute little story of boy and girl meet at a small town high school dance, they date for years, but she leaves to the city to chase her dreams. After years of being apart, the girl stops in that small town one night and hesitates outside his front door. She’s afraid to knock because she’s afraid her departure left him too hurt to want her back.
That’s it.
It’s a simple story and a common one, but I didn’t give it an ending. Does she knock on the door? Does he answer? Does she chicken out and leave? Who knows?
Perhaps, I left it like that for a reason? Some stories don’t need endings because then it’s left to the imagination of the one enjoying the story. You can decide the relationship between the boy and the girl. You can decide if she’s brave enough to knock on the door and if he’s not bitter enough to answer. Perhaps the boy was praying she’d come back? Perhaps he’d spit in her face? It’s all up to you.
In a world where fear can cripple your steps or anxiety takes your breath,
I’ve been trying to pause and remind myself of truth.
When the negativity gets heavy and expectation tips you on the edge of the levee,
the truth helps set me right.
Even if I have to repeat it several times.
So, what is truth?
nikki diekemper